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Notes: 9 / 8 months ago
기도.
how do i become who you want me to be father? how do i become what you want me to be? I look at myself, father, and i am unable to celearly see what is going on inside my heart. i struggle with joy. i am so…dead inside. there is nothing wrong, per se, about my life. but why am i unhappy? where is this frustration coming from? is it coming from not knowing you? is it coming from being unable to see you? i want to know you father. i want to taste you and the joy that comes with it. i yearn for this father but i can’t find it. i can’t find this and it pains me that i can’t. its so strange that i am here, back again, in the same spot. though i am more experienced and more hopeful than the last time. so i guess in that way i have grown. and because of that i can have a hope for the future. but so little has changed. the same stupid mistakes. the same rut. the same dissatisfation with this world and what it has to offer. and yet, an offer that i cannot turn down. like an addict, i cannot turn away, and i when i finally walk way i am all the more dissatisfied and all the more guild=ridden. please, father, may i find my joy in you. may i find my hope in you. may you be my only way. would you be lifted high in me father. would you be lifted high in this place that you call my heart. would you be lifted high and be treasured HEREin my heart. be glorified with all that i do, but even more importantly in what i think and feel. for the things of this world is just an image, an image that i create. but what goes on in this head of mine, it is dark. it is black and twisted. it is disgusting and hateful. cleanse me, o father, of this. wash me clean and wash me pure. may i cleanse myself as naaman did, and may the blood that you sacrificed be the detergent that wipes away this ugly stain. what do i have, father, if i dont have you? what, in this world, can truly satisfy? i am lost without you. may i find an unending joy in you. may yo be more thane nough. may you be all that i need. may you overflow in my heart and surround me in my life. may i find such peace and overwhelming grace and love in you, that all of the worries of this world will wash away. not that i would be without suffering, but that i may have perspective in these things, that these things are not suffering but blessings that youa re using to refine me, that you areusing to make me better, to make me change little by little every day. father i cry out to you that you would be my comfort, that you would be my rest, that you would be all that i desire. shower down your grace and your mercy father. father change me. changge me. change all that is within me and cleanse me of …me. may you dwell within me and beocme my life. may i never forget that you are good, that you are faithful, that you are the true provider, the true surgeon, the true healer and true love that my heart longs for.
mm. thank you.
in your son’s name,
amen.
Notes
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